Waiting, the journey of the heart

2018-05-11T21:27:51+00:00 By |Christian, God speaks, hope, When God is Silent|

Last week I promised I was going to share my journey of waiting, hoping against hope and trusting against all odds.  I am an adult, but there is a little girl still very much alive inside me who believes in fairy tales, dreams and has hope anchored in a Big God who loves me.  I can’t give up what I believe is from God and I don’t want you to either. It was recommended that I not share and self-disclose, but good grief, someone has to get honest.  How can anyone become encouraged or gain hope if we remain in a glass bubble rather than have an exchange of authentic sharing.

My journey of waiting and believing God for those deep places of my heart to become fulfilled is and has not been a one, two or three-year process.  It is not nor has been a journey of having lots of fun and activities while waiting.  Rather my journey has been a process, a deep and often times a journey full of tears, wrestling, struggling to hear, to know, to see but often instead of sight, I received silence.

Of course in the process you are not aware anyone else feels the same way you do and it can cause one to feel or believe you are all alone.  Elijah cried out and said, ” I am the only one of the LORD’s prophets left” (1 Kings 18:22, 19:10)(NIV) Actually there were hundreds of prophets left! Elijah goes on talking to the Lord reminding God how faithful he had been and he began to recount all that he had done.  Aren’t we like that?  I certainly have been like that.  I take inventory of everyone else around me and remind God as if He were impressed!

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Of course it appeared as if everyone else around was walking in destiny without any effort on their part. This was not truth, but I had no way of knowing because no one was sharing.  The appearances just drilled the pain further into my heart causing me to clam up my feelings.  On the outside, I still extroverted, but closed off my heart to most.  They were not safe and I was tired of the religious clichés of “if God has this, then it would have happened…. Perhaps you are not to have this… what sin is in your life blocking this? Or better yet, maybe you haven’t tithed enough! ” I heard all the “trite answers” and none of them aligned with a Father who gave me Bubble gum at work, ice cream at a store, or protected me on a walk in the park.  But when you are tired and in the middle of a journey, we all can become just whipped in the process.

What do you do when all you hear and see is silence?  How do you deal with your situation, your process, when it does not line up with others who believe like you?  The difference being that their process appears to be quick and yours has been like the “Energizer bunny”, never-ending, just going and going and going. What I did not know then, but since have discovered through a 21 year process and counting, is that there was an interior process of my heart where God was fashioning my heart in order for its preparation to enjoy what He had always planned.  Like the children of Israel who were led on a longer journey, rather than shorter to the Promised Land. The Bible says that if they had not taken the longer route they would have given up. “When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, ‘If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.'”  Exodus 13:17 NIV.

God did not create us to fail nor has he fashioned a journey that takes longer to be cruel.  It took years to learn it was a heart of love that led me around the mountain rather than up the mountain, through the desert rather than along the ocean.  He knew exactly what Rita needed and still needs to prepare, to create in her a clean and pure heart so she may rest in Father’s care trusting as she walks, there is a purpose in each step handcrafted for her. In a world in which we give away and have lost the art of true intimacy, it is a rare and precious gem to have something that is purely our own.  My journey is mine.  Yours is yours.  My story is different.  Yours is different, but the principles are timeless.

I trust as I begin to share the deep chambers of my heart that you will find yourself in this story.  That you will discover, along with me that what was once interpreted as silence, were moments I did not hear His voice, but began to recognize His heartbeat because He was holding me close. I stood on promises.  I believed in dreams He whispered to me in the quiet places yet none had come to pass.  These dreams were the vision of hope that the Bible speaks of giving hope and a future (Jer. 29:11) my experience was more of an illusion, drawing, wooing me into a future I could not seem to enter.  In this time I asked more questions than ever had answers but the questions stripped away lies that held my soul hostage.  Everything felt like a mirage.  I needed a miracle!

In my journey, there was not one or two people who opened doors for me. I did not have a mother or father to lean on, nor did most people in my life have any understanding into my journey. It was a season that no one even if people had been there could do it for me or with me.  It was a journey I had to travel alone.  I learned though alone, I was not lonely.   It was in this process, which revealed the secrets of my heart, where in the silence, what felt like darkness, a loving Father would reveal intimate truths of Himself.  This is where He gently and on time would take me by His hand and together I would learn to walk in the cool of the day, taking the long road through winding paths seemingly leading nowhere.

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His ways were not my own, but had been designed, fashioned and orchestrated by the One who knew me best.  In the midst of the silence, I learned to rest by still waters, being refreshed and restored.  There were moments I enjoyed only smelling the fragrances of spring flowers by the side of the road, taking long cuts, never short ones through meadows of tall grass.  It was when I finally could sit by the water’s edge, fearless of anything around me, resting in the beauty and being ok without answers that led me into the place of discovery where at last I became free. I had finally come to a place where I found peace and satisfaction in the silence. It was in this quiet stillness that my eyes became opened to the Light that was always there, always speaking.  

21 Comments

  1. Jeannie Caldwell March 13, 2015 at 11:31 am - Reply

    Wow Rita, I found my story in your words. I have been on a four year journey, waiting for God’s answer, but only being met with silence. Not complete silence, as he speaks to me everyday. Most times his message is…Wait. Wait,wait,wait!!! The silence is with my requests for my future. He hasn’t given me specifics and honestly, it frightens me at times. But, over the course of almost four years and taking the long way to His Promised Land, through some hot and dreary places, I have learned patience and peace like never before.
    As I rush toward a financial deadline, many of my christian friends are asking me what is my Plan B?
    That’s a funny question, coming from the same ones who encouraged me to “trust and have faith in God.”
    Truth is, I don’t have a Plan B and neither should any christian. Jesus is my Plan A,B,C through Z!!
    In these past four years, I’ve learned more about my God than ever before. He is mighty to save, He loves me with an Everlasting Love and He will never leave me!! Praise God!!
    Thank you for sharing your story! God weave’s all of our experiences together for His Glory!!

    • Rita Mayell March 13, 2015 at 11:45 am - Reply

      Wow. I could not say it better. It has taken me many years to REST in this place and honestly it can still be difficult when I look and compare my life with those around. But I am learning to come more quickly back to that quiet place of letting go, trusting His love for me and that it is not based on what I do or how I perform but solely on the finished work of Jesus. But I am practical and although I know and believe , the journey often becomes weary. I have often had many many wonderful pity parties which really just make me miserable, times of being tenacious which many times is driven by fear and am learning to pause, rest in His work while I walk, allowing and waiting upon His best, nothing less, no matter the cost. And it cost His son his life. Sincerely thank you for sharing. More to come

  2. Jeannie Caldwell March 13, 2015 at 11:31 am - Reply

    Wow Rita, I found my story in your words. I have been on a four year journey, waiting for God’s answer, but only being met with silence. Not complete silence, as he speaks to me everyday. Most times his message is…Wait. Wait,wait,wait!!! The silence is with my requests for my future. He hasn’t given me specifics and honestly, it frightens me at times. But, over the course of almost four years and taking the long way to His Promised Land, through some hot and dreary places, I have learned patience and peace like never before.
    As I rush toward a financial deadline, many of my christian friends are asking me what is my Plan B?
    That’s a funny question, coming from the same ones who encouraged me to “trust and have faith in God.”
    Truth is, I don’t have a Plan B and neither should any christian. Jesus is my Plan A,B,C through Z!!
    In these past four years, I’ve learned more about my God than ever before. He is mighty to save, He loves me with an Everlasting Love and He will never leave me!! Praise God!!
    Thank you for sharing your story! God weave’s all of our experiences together for His Glory!!

    • Rita Mayell March 13, 2015 at 11:45 am - Reply

      Wow. I could not say it better. It has taken me many years to REST in this place and honestly it can still be difficult when I look and compare my life with those around. But I am learning to come more quickly back to that quiet place of letting go, trusting His love for me and that it is not based on what I do or how I perform but solely on the finished work of Jesus. But I am practical and although I know and believe , the journey often becomes weary. I have often had many many wonderful pity parties which really just make me miserable, times of being tenacious which many times is driven by fear and am learning to pause, rest in His work while I walk, allowing and waiting upon His best, nothing less, no matter the cost. And it cost His son his life. Sincerely thank you for sharing. More to come

  3. 50djohnson March 27, 2015 at 2:04 pm - Reply

    This post was so heartfelt,genuine,raw, and real. My heart breaks that you had no one to go to.. but as it turns out God is always with us. God is all around us in nature.Luke 19:28-40 If we do not confess with our worship… all of creation will cry out in the worship of the Son of God.
    Isaiah 55:12 For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing,and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands.
    Luke 19:40 If we keep silent (no praise) the very rocks will cry out.
    Amen and amen that you found him there!

  4. 50djohnson March 27, 2015 at 2:35 pm - Reply

    I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times people have given “helpful,”hurtful”, advice.I never wanted anything all my life more than to be married and have children. Well, you know, honey if you could just lose about 20 pounds… and I swore if one more person told me I had sin in my life, I really was going to have a whopper of a sin, murder. Only excuse forthem is …dumb and dumber! 😛

    • Rita Mayell March 27, 2015 at 3:00 pm - Reply

      Thanks so much for understanding and authentically sharing your heart and part of your journey. I was asked the other day how I know God loves me. I immediately heard myself respond, “because He has always given me experiences” that have caused me to know in that deep place that He cares.” I have often wrestled in that dark place in the night where I have wrestled with God. I want to be able to put Him in a neat box but of course He breaks every mold and ounce of religion in which my heart sings. I am learning to live with uncertainty but a new discovered grace that allows me to be ok in the mess of questions because I still believe He loves me and His plan is always best. And because I have lived life without answers, I can actually write encouraging others to believe, hold fast. I cannot and will not give up that which He placed in my heart in a form of a desire and I don’t want anyone else too either. Thanks for being so open.

      • 50djohnson March 27, 2015 at 4:39 pm - Reply

        You nowthe

        You know the bible says God collects our tears in a bottle..I think way in the
        back of heaven is one of those water towers with my name on it.I did have a pastor ‘s wife tell me once that God would either take away the desire or fulfill the desire, because when we walk closely to his heart, His desires ARE OUR desires. Just whenI wasdoing fantastic and completely content… God brught in a wonderfulguyand so I asked God if we could be a better witness together than we could apart then to let it happen. We celebrate our 30th this JUne.I did not get to have children of my own ,my other desire because he already had 4 from his wife who ha died. They needed me.:P I don’tknowwhat youare waiting for but dolive itto thefullestuntilit happens!!
        Blesings!:P

  5. 50djohnson March 27, 2015 at 2:35 pm - Reply

    I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times people have given “helpful,”hurtful”, advice.I never wanted anything all my life more than to be married and have children. Well, you know, honey if you could just lose about 20 pounds… and I swore if one more person told me I had sin in my life, I really was going to have a whopper of a sin, murder. Only excuse forthem is …dumb and dumber! 😛

    • Rita Mayell March 27, 2015 at 3:00 pm - Reply

      Thanks so much for understanding and authentically sharing your heart and part of your journey. I was asked the other day how I know God loves me. I immediately heard myself respond, “because He has always given me experiences” that have caused me to know in that deep place that He cares.” I have often wrestled in that dark place in the night where I have wrestled with God. I want to be able to put Him in a neat box but of course He breaks every mold and ounce of religion in which my heart sings. I am learning to live with uncertainty but a new discovered grace that allows me to be ok in the mess of questions because I still believe He loves me and His plan is always best. And because I have lived life without answers, I can actually write encouraging others to believe, hold fast. I cannot and will not give up that which He placed in my heart in a form of a desire and I don’t want anyone else too either. Thanks for being so open.

      • 50djohnson March 27, 2015 at 4:39 pm - Reply

        You nowthe

        You know the bible says God collects our tears in a bottle..I think way in the
        back of heaven is one of those water towers with my name on it.I did have a pastor ‘s wife tell me once that God would either take away the desire or fulfill the desire, because when we walk closely to his heart, His desires ARE OUR desires. Just whenI wasdoing fantastic and completely content… God brught in a wonderfulguyand so I asked God if we could be a better witness together than we could apart then to let it happen. We celebrate our 30th this JUne.I did not get to have children of my own ,my other desire because he already had 4 from his wife who ha died. They needed me.:P I don’tknowwhat youare waiting for but dolive itto thefullestuntilit happens!!
        Blesings!:P

  6. Rita Mayell March 27, 2015 at 6:31 pm - Reply

    Debbie,
    You speak my heart and confirm my own personal belief. Yes I agree that my desires are His because He has placed them there inside my “newly created heart.” I have given Him many years the opportunity and permission to remove anything and all things that are not of Him, but they remain. Yes one dream is a husband and I refuse to compromise or spend time Looking.. I am determined to listen and wait upon his timely instruction. Other dreams are books, speaking… I have lived so long waiting and often times I have survived in “faith” and not lived. But today I am hopeful and alive because He is the God of 2nd, third and fourth chances. I still believe in a big God who loves me and who can move mountains just because He can. Thanks for your feedback. I receive your story as encouragement and hope…

  7. Rita Mayell March 27, 2015 at 6:31 pm - Reply

    Debbie,
    You speak my heart and confirm my own personal belief. Yes I agree that my desires are His because He has placed them there inside my “newly created heart.” I have given Him many years the opportunity and permission to remove anything and all things that are not of Him, but they remain. Yes one dream is a husband and I refuse to compromise or spend time Looking.. I am determined to listen and wait upon his timely instruction. Other dreams are books, speaking… I have lived so long waiting and often times I have survived in “faith” and not lived. But today I am hopeful and alive because He is the God of 2nd, third and fourth chances. I still believe in a big God who loves me and who can move mountains just because He can. Thanks for your feedback. I receive your story as encouragement and hope…

  8. 50djohnson April 21, 2015 at 3:58 pm - Reply

    Oh,Rita, I so understand this post. It is almost as if I could have written it myself as far as the content.
    Beautiful. Thank you for following my blog., I’ll look forward to getting to know you better.Debbie

    • Rita Mayell April 21, 2015 at 4:53 pm - Reply

      Thanks. I too have appreciated your blogs and am so glad God connected us. I have not written in a few weeks as the lord has me in a deep cocoon and I am resting for a short while. Thanks again for reaching out with your encouraging words

  9. 50djohnson April 21, 2015 at 3:58 pm - Reply

    Oh,Rita, I so understand this post. It is almost as if I could have written it myself as far as the content.
    Beautiful. Thank you for following my blog., I’ll look forward to getting to know you better.Debbie

    • Rita Mayell April 21, 2015 at 4:53 pm - Reply

      Thanks. I too have appreciated your blogs and am so glad God connected us. I have not written in a few weeks as the lord has me in a deep cocoon and I am resting for a short while. Thanks again for reaching out with your encouraging words

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