“Chirp, chirp, chirp”. “SHUT UP”, I screamed! If I would not look like an idiot I would walk outside and throw my pillow at the birds to stop, but sincerely that would not only be foolish but would demand too much energy. The birds awakened me from another restless night, so why was I so peeved? I had not been sleeping. Whoa, what is that all about? I love birds, I love squirrels, I love nature, but my reaction was revealing something… about my heart. The past few weeks have been overwhelming with activity both at work and in my personal life. I seemingly had gone from activity to activity not really present in any of it. Actually, my life was “picking up” and I was having fun.
I got up and went about my day as normal. Late in the afternoon, I was on the computer researching for a school and work project and I just “happened” upon a web site of one of the professors in the school. In 5 seconds I had made an assumption that we were not on the same page, but I could not move off of the site. Something was drawing me to stay!
I read business articles, marketing tidbits and for the life of me I could not understand why I could not cross this off of my list (class assignment) and move on. Then I discovered another link to another link that led me to a Bible class this person was leading. I clicked on to an audio clip which started with her praying, “Oh Jesus you are the sweetest name I know.”… Out of nowhere, I uncontrollably began to sob! HUH? I had been led right into the very presence of the Lord. Most of us know God, but I am speaking of knowing Him as Abba, dear precious Father, His son, sweet Jesus and really moving beyond knowing about Him to really knowing His tender side that is always for us, faithful and merciful.
My tears were as a wonderful spring thunderstorm washing away the pollen cleansing nature, I too experienced a cleansing. In my human thinking, I had assumed life was normal and I was just completing a work and class assignment. Wrong. My Heavenly Father had orchestrated my visiting the site for a higher purpose that allowed me to experience through someone else what I had allowed the busyness of life to squeeze out. It wasn’t that I was doing anything wrong. In fact, I was always having time with God but our time had become more of going through the motion and had become another activity to cross off of my list! Had He been speaking in those times? Yes. But in those recent short moments of release through tears, the Holy Spirit had reached my heart revealing what I had lost and quite frankly missed!
Each day I spend almost every moment encouraging others, teaching, advising, coaching, that I was just going through life on auto play. I was working, not praying when I had been directed to stay on this website. For a few short moments I was quiet. This time quiet was really being still with no agenda or purpose in the stillness other than to just “be.” I had some thoughts. Those thoughts really sounded like my voice. This is how God’s voice sounds. I recognized that these were not my thoughts but my Heavenly Father, God. It had felt like such a long time that I had heard this clearly. I stayed in the thoughts and put aside everything else even when the phone rang and I heard the ring tone for a text. I heard at least 10 ring tones! UGH.
“Rita, I know you like no one else. You are my fire cracker, catalyst and you are so energetic. I love that about you. I could almost hear a chuckle. Remember, I created you, but you have believed that work and class assignments are the reason why you are going through life without feeling or experiencing today what I have planned for you. Yes your life is out of balance, but not because of those ‘activities.’ Truth is that the schedule you are overwhelmed in, is working for you. Busyness is working for you. That is why you stay so busy. No one is asking you to do all what you do in one day, but you! It has been a tool in order for you to not feel and has kept you from who you really are. People see you as that high energy, get it done, progress, movement and catalyst. Many don’t see the quiet, deep, tender, woman who sees only because she stays close to my heartbeat. You are my freedom fighter and the freer you become, the more freedom you will share.”
Deep down inside I knew what I had been feeling and quite frankly I knew what I had tried to cover up. I was tired of having the same “rehearsed prayers” about my purpose, His dreams. I had experienced so many times God’s protection, His unique love for me but on the deepest level there were still dreams I had hoped and could not give up. This was a part of God’s love I had not been able to receive– the area where dreams and His love connect! I was always dreaming against all odds and encouraging and being everyone else’s’ cheerleader for things they were carrying in their hearts. I was weary in the journey.
Years ago a dear friend said to me. “Rita do you know what intimacy means? It means “into me I see.” Back then I thought that was brilliant. Today I realize it is my Father who sees into me, who desires for each one of us to have that intimacy with Him. Because when we do, we are in a place to see, hear and receive all that He has. I chose to stop and face those moments where once again I had to look at disappointment which simply means I had believed I had missed His appointment. Not so.
Over the next few weeks I am going to share openly and honestly with those who are waiting, believing for something from God they believe is from Him. I will open the curtain of my life and let you have a front row seat revealing my struggles, my mistakes but always His grace. What I do know is that my Father is never silent. I just had to learn how to read what seemed like was His silence. It is in the silence where we experience transformation. And most of us don’t like any kind of silence. I don’t! I have learned and I am still learning.
I find it funny that I am taking a coaching class and we are learning forms of coaching that include “silence.” I had not realized how far I had moved away from embracing silence. I invite you to walk with me as I open up my heart in order for you to know that you are never alone, that you are deeply loved by Him, blessed and His grace is His favor that always is giving what we could never earn. That is why it is called, grace! The hope and encouragement I can sincerely give is that He sees where you are. He knows the plans for today, tomorrow and your future and He is the only one who can close the gaps leading you in joy in the journey. Nothing and I mean nothing is too big for God. Sometimes we just forget how big He is because we see our circumstances as being larger. Today, put on a new pair of glasses and with me, Hope again! I guarantee in what feels like darkness and silence will reveal treasures of a different kind.
Isaiah 45:3 Amplified
And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name.